


You still can't kill them.

by Kuro_Guardian



Category: Naruto
Genre: A loving mockery of a common trope, And may have misremembered things - like all the things, BEST!Sakura, Completely Over This!Naruto, Gen, Hemophobic!Sasuke, International Incidences, None of the ooc!Team Seven have read or watched Naruto, Several Assasinations, Tags maybe altered later, They just have cliff notes, Weak sauce!Kakashi, crack taken somewhat seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 02:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13448292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuro_Guardian/pseuds/Kuro_Guardian
Summary: So here is the thing - one of the least know issues in the elemental countries is Rebirth Syndrome. That's when a perfectly normal person suddenly falls under the delusion they are an entirely different person reborn into an "anime". It's not usually a big problem - most function all right - but the ones that don't generally decide they're dreaming and kill themselves.And that's when Cleaners like Genkai step in to tidy away the problem... And that worked well until cursed Team 7 - Hatake Kakashi, Haruno Sakura, Uchiha Sasuke, and the demon brat Uzumaki all came down with it at the same time.





	You still can't kill them.

"But if you can't think of me - think of the Hokage! Having the container of the Nine-Tails losing it's mind is not going to reflect well on him. Also the village will probably want to kill the container anyway." And Harako isn't wrong in the slightest, but then again Harako is full of shit. Apparently the face Genkai is making demonstrates that fact pretty well, because Harako makes a very rude gesture back as she rolls her iris-less gray eyes. 

  
"Oi! Such disrespect." Rei throws a pillow at Harako and receives a book to the balls in retaliation. That, of course, is when Gomaru walks in - "What the hell goes on here then? That Face never comes out unless something has seriously go awry. Also no matter how you grab yourself you're not going to make your potential balls drop Rei-chan."

  
Managing to flip off Gomaru while still cradling his balls Rei continues to groan and writhe pitifully. Stepping over him as she flips the long shiny waterfall of molten silver that is her hair over one broad shoulder, Harako shrugs; "Our fearless leader won't do the intelligent thing and just let me kill the newest set of whackadoodles." Placing hands that have literally crushed heads on her childbearing hips Harako turns to frown at Genkai.

  
Meanwhile Gomaru takes a moment to think as he hunches over into his "thinking" posture. Heavy eyebrows meet over a broad nose and beady green eyes - "Are the nutters important or something?" 'Or something.' Sighing Genkai throws a slender folder over to him while reaching for her alcohol-enhanced green tea. It barely takes a minute for the tall, lanky reed of a man to scan over the contents of that Gods-forsaken folder.

  
"Fucking Kakashi! And the Uchiha survivor! And the fucking Fox-brat!" Mai laughes, "Hey now. Don't forget the Uchiha brat's number one stalker. Although if the psyche scores the Academy sent us are correct... Well, it's not like the little fucker was operating on all cylinders anyway." Dropping a bag of ice beside Rei the short, stocky little blonde takes a seat by Shiro's constipated looking ass.

  
For a moment there is only the sound of Rei's whimpering as he all but humps the bag of ice. And then there is a collective sigh as everyone kind of deflates. Of course, not everyone was firing on all cylinders - this is a fucking ninja village for fucks sake. But more than that everyone knows that Team 7's unofficial name is Team Issues - genius with people issues, girl with attachment issues, and loser with self-worth issues.

  
But wait there's more - sensei Hatake Kakashi the man of a thousand jutsu and ten thousand issues. Genkai makes a note to kill the Academy teacher who built this team. 'Umino Iruka I will kill you.' Then again she'd probably have to wait in line considering how many parents, sensei, and various groups that officially didn't exist also wanted a piece of the little fuckwit. Alternatively, she could always just cut in line as it were and like make it look like an accident. It isn't like she hasn't done so in the past and Anko owes her a particularly big favor anyway.

  
Raising one pale shaking hand, Rei gives a hesitant gap-toothed smile when Genkai blinks and looks over at him; "Maybe no one will really notice? It's not like Team 7 actually has much interaction with the rest of the village. The girl has cut ties with anyone who doesn't endorse her fixation on the Uchiha boy. The Uchiha boy is a standoffish asshole who regularly insults others. And no one bothers with Kushina's boy. And Kakashi is a fuckwit. Maybe it'll be okay."

  
And for a brief shining moment the sun shines brighter, the air smells cleaner, and hope burns brightly in their collective breasts. Which is probably what alerted Ibiki to the situation. Well, that or the undamaged (newly fucking repaired) door. Why damn near everybody in the "Intelligence" division has an intrinsic hatred of doors is a mystery that might never be solved. Which is unfortunate considering how expensive repairs can get. Either way - the new door (27138 yen) is now embedded in the far wall (146997.5 yen) after taking out Shiro's favorite table (32475 yen), and Genkai's personal chair (16961.25yen).

  
"You got a problem with opening a door Morino-kisama?" Looking up at the freckled teen sitting on the ceiling with a grunt the tall, heavily-scarred man gives a shrug. "Nah, Genkai-me. I just wanted to ruin your ugly ass chair again." There is an ominous cracking from Genkai's position before the slender, child-sized woman appears in front of the head of the Interrogation Department with a whirl of leaves. Looking up into his amused face she refrains from trying to bury a explosive-note studded kunai in him. Last time she'd done that he'd substituted with some unfortunate paper-pusher drone.

  
However, as a rather smug smirk curves his lips it's only Shiro's intervention that saves the suffering of some poor intern or another. "What do you want you ugly old cuss? I have a weak stomach and your horror show of a face is doing nothing for it." Rei blinks and then carefully takes a cushion and tries to smother himself with it. Gomaru and Harako lock eyes for a moment, before nodding and readying substitution techniques for a quick get-a-way. And Genkai? Genkai fucking laughs before throwing an explosive note at the idiot.

  
"Mind your manners. Just because we're surrounded by lunatics and assholes doesn't mean we have to act like it. We have standards." The chorus of poorly muffled snorts might disagree, but that just means more unexpected training with explosive notes and ninja wire... and potentially being thrown naked into the forest of death. Hell they might not even be hog-tied or drugged this time... maybe. Or she could switch things up and try breaking their legs this time. Life is meant to be surprising after all.

  
Rolling his eyes Morino hands over a scroll with the Hokage's seal on it. "Since I'm not sure if any of you idiots are actually literate I'll tell you the important points - no you can't kill Team 7, no you can't frame them for an atrocity and disappear them into a deep hole somewhere, and no you can't hire ninjas to kill them. And yes that includes Root, Mist Hunter-nin, those freaks in the cloaks with red clouds, Missing Nin, genin students from any village, and special class Jounin whether from Konoha or anywhere else. I still don't know how you managed to get away with doing that not once, but eleven separate times."

  
The smiles carefully drawing themselves onto seven different faces doe nothing to help Ibiki's consternation. "Anyway, the Third says he has faith in you not to fuck this up. He also says he expects to see results regarding Team 7 in a month or so. Until then he doesn't want any indications that something is wrong. So they've been assigned a month long training trip and you are going to be going along for the ride. You have five minutes to pack." And with a poof of air the overly tall asshole vanishes in a whirl of leaves.

  
Ten seconds later there is a massive explosion and then a roar of anger. "Alright kids we should probably go before that cum-gargling brown noser comes back for revenge. Also good job slipping that note on him Shiro. Remind me to reward you at one of these other idiots' expense." Giggling at the groans and whining this engenders Genkai vanishes in a cloud of smoke quickly followed by the rest.

 


End file.
